Mom calls them God winks. Sometimes I nod my head in agreement and other times I roll my eyes in my lack of understanding. But if I take the time to reflect, doesn’t He have a hand in it all?
We were in her favorite thrift spot, a little place in Lakeside called Aggie’s Attic. I was holding Mon Amour captive in my arms, surrounded by breakables and looking for kitchenware to cross off my wishlist.
Mon Cœur was with Mooma (Mom) and had found a musical figurine. Mooma came to me and showed me her turkey and other fall decor she found. She was so excited.
And then she put on her serious face and showed me the figurine and told me the story. At first I had a stern face because, “I’ll be damned if one more item to dust comes in the house.” Especially a breakable. And then I melted. I teared up and I gave in.
MC had pointed to the figurine, a little angel sleeping on a cloud with another, older angel standing watch above. She told Mooma, “That’s my sister, and that’s me,” as she pointed to the sleeping angel and then the standing one.
My sister and me
MC got it home and wanted it to be on the pie chest with Millie’s ashes. So I put it there. She asked to hear it, so I wound it up.
MA would hear it from the other room and come and just sit and watch it turn and play. And then he’d sign “more.” A more serene MA I haven’t seen. He listened, then he twirled, then he signed more. More. More. And when my heart strings couldn’t take it any more, we moved on.
The tune was unfamiliar, and a little haunting. I had no idea where to look. Finally I turned the figurine over and spun it looking for a sticker.
Stand by me
The sticker read “stand by me.” My mind immediately went to a beloved oldie by Ben E. King:
…If the sky that we look upon
Should tumble and fall
Or the mountains should crumble to the sea
I won’t cry, I won’t cry, no, I won’t shed a tear
Just as long as you stand, stand by me…
I knew this familiar song was not the same tune as the music box on the figurine so I dug a little deeper. I found on hymnary.com the lyrics to a hymn of the same title by Charles Albert Tindley.
The melody plays from the music box and as the chords play, I’m not sure what it is. I feel all these complex and conflicting emotions come over me. Sadness. Calm. Regret. Peace. Wonder. Gratefulness.
October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I am grateful to have this blog to keep Millie alive in our hearts and to let others know “you are not alone.”
To all who are missing a part of their family, who have a little one in Heaven – I stand by you and see you. Sending you hugs.